Sunday, September 11, 2005
Two Faces Have I
I've been stewing on this all weekend and bad feelings don't sit well with me. I have to verbalise them in some way to let them go... with any luck this will do the trick.
Just a bit of background before I launch into what I'm sure will be a long rant. Last Wednesday a party of men arrived (as they do every year) for a fishing trip out to our camp. They're assholes the lot of them. Older men, free of the shackles of the 9-5 grind, bonding together to grunt, fart and generally be gross in the wilderness to prove their manhood. This isn't really the problem (them being assholes) as a rule I get on very well with assholes. Two of the men are affable enough but the other... lordy, he grates on my last nerve. And on Thursday night I totally lost it.
I rarely lose my temper. I can get pissy, annoyed, grumpy... but none of those come close. I don't think I've ever lost my temper with a guest in our home, but on Thursday night I did, and I feel bad about it... weird thing is, I'm not sure why I feel bad, cause he really deserved it.
It doesn't really matter, and I won't go into details, suffice to say that I was talking about astronomy, phenomenon and visibility. He picked up on one comment I made (totally disregarded the context of the rest of my point) and took great delight in pointing out where and how I was wrong. It was the sheer delight that set me off.
As I said earlier, I like assholes, I usually get on very well with them. And the other two are charming in their way. When they tell stories of their exploits they never fail to throw in one or two anecdotes of their fuck ups. They tease each other, they tease me, but because they can admit to these failings of perfection it's all good natured fun. We know, because we've been there and done that. There's something wonderful about looking someone in the eye and laughing with the shared knowledge that yep, I was that stupid too.
But the other one... grrr, he joins in the teasing, oftentimes initiating it, but he will never admit to a failure. And there's the rub. He watches and waits during conversations always listening for the phrase that isn't exact in its preciseness and then he pounces. There is no emotional sharing with this man. It isn't possible when one is so fixated on being right (perfect).
When he pulled this stunt on me I began to argue thinking he was simply disputing my claim, but once I realised what he was really doing--The smug smile on his face as he condescendingly cited my own words back at me--wow! How I didn't leap across the table and rip his face off is the only testament to my control. By the time I'd finished going up one side of him and down the other, agreeing that, 'yes, he was indeed right and how kind it was of him to disregard what I meant. To point that out, in the most belittling way, to everyone.' He was left in no doubt of my opinion of him, his manner, and his worth as a human being.
My hands shook for about thirty minutes after I let him have it. Even now, recalling it, my hands are shaking. In one way I felt liberated, I'd wanted to say something like that to him for years, but in another I felt totally trapped. It's not like I can sever this relationship so I have to find a way to deal with him. A better way than having my blood pressure shoot so high I think my head may explode, every time he opens his mouth.
Any suggestions?
X
Just a bit of background before I launch into what I'm sure will be a long rant. Last Wednesday a party of men arrived (as they do every year) for a fishing trip out to our camp. They're assholes the lot of them. Older men, free of the shackles of the 9-5 grind, bonding together to grunt, fart and generally be gross in the wilderness to prove their manhood. This isn't really the problem (them being assholes) as a rule I get on very well with assholes. Two of the men are affable enough but the other... lordy, he grates on my last nerve. And on Thursday night I totally lost it.
I rarely lose my temper. I can get pissy, annoyed, grumpy... but none of those come close. I don't think I've ever lost my temper with a guest in our home, but on Thursday night I did, and I feel bad about it... weird thing is, I'm not sure why I feel bad, cause he really deserved it.
It doesn't really matter, and I won't go into details, suffice to say that I was talking about astronomy, phenomenon and visibility. He picked up on one comment I made (totally disregarded the context of the rest of my point) and took great delight in pointing out where and how I was wrong. It was the sheer delight that set me off.
As I said earlier, I like assholes, I usually get on very well with them. And the other two are charming in their way. When they tell stories of their exploits they never fail to throw in one or two anecdotes of their fuck ups. They tease each other, they tease me, but because they can admit to these failings of perfection it's all good natured fun. We know, because we've been there and done that. There's something wonderful about looking someone in the eye and laughing with the shared knowledge that yep, I was that stupid too.
But the other one... grrr, he joins in the teasing, oftentimes initiating it, but he will never admit to a failure. And there's the rub. He watches and waits during conversations always listening for the phrase that isn't exact in its preciseness and then he pounces. There is no emotional sharing with this man. It isn't possible when one is so fixated on being right (perfect).
When he pulled this stunt on me I began to argue thinking he was simply disputing my claim, but once I realised what he was really doing--The smug smile on his face as he condescendingly cited my own words back at me--wow! How I didn't leap across the table and rip his face off is the only testament to my control. By the time I'd finished going up one side of him and down the other, agreeing that, 'yes, he was indeed right and how kind it was of him to disregard what I meant. To point that out, in the most belittling way, to everyone.' He was left in no doubt of my opinion of him, his manner, and his worth as a human being.
My hands shook for about thirty minutes after I let him have it. Even now, recalling it, my hands are shaking. In one way I felt liberated, I'd wanted to say something like that to him for years, but in another I felt totally trapped. It's not like I can sever this relationship so I have to find a way to deal with him. A better way than having my blood pressure shoot so high I think my head may explode, every time he opens his mouth.
Any suggestions?
X
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X,
I admire your ability to even stand up for your beliefs. Well Done!
I guess now he SHOULD have a greater respect for you and should treat you that way. But as you said he is an asshole so maybe not.
Maybe just being polite maybe the way to deal with him.
Nicki
I admire your ability to even stand up for your beliefs. Well Done!
I guess now he SHOULD have a greater respect for you and should treat you that way. But as you said he is an asshole so maybe not.
Maybe just being polite maybe the way to deal with him.
Nicki
Oh, I HATE situations like that. And it's so hard to siphon the poison out of your system. I think it's good that you demanded some respect from this guy while he's in your home.
How to deal with him from now on. Be civil. If he apologizes, warm up to cordial and keep it there until he deserves more. If he doesn't, just remember: you wiped your ass of him. Flush the bad feelings and ignore him if he tries to shit on you again. :) You're already done dealing with the event.
Many hugs,
Dee
How to deal with him from now on. Be civil. If he apologizes, warm up to cordial and keep it there until he deserves more. If he doesn't, just remember: you wiped your ass of him. Flush the bad feelings and ignore him if he tries to shit on you again. :) You're already done dealing with the event.
Many hugs,
Dee
What Dee said. I doubt very much he'll engage you again. What was the reaction of the others? Were they there? I've GOT to know.
Anyway, good on ya. I won't stand to be dissed anymore. Take a bow!
Anyway, good on ya. I won't stand to be dissed anymore. Take a bow!
# posted by 
: 9/12/2005 2:45 PM
: 9/12/2005 2:45 PM
I'd guess you were taught as a kid to put up with everything, turn the other cheek. Otherwise, why feel bad about doing something that so richly needed doing?
From now on, as you deal with him, remember that you have established who is top dog. Be polite but cool with him. Imagine he's your employee and he's this far from getting sacked.
From now on, as you deal with him, remember that you have established who is top dog. Be polite but cool with him. Imagine he's your employee and he's this far from getting sacked.
Ah X, I couldn't help but laugh. I know I've wanted to do just that so many times.
I'll be honest, in my own quest to be gracious (I think that may be why you feel bad about it. You are the eminent hostess... seriously, I'm in awe of you. Being a good hostess means being gracious... even when your guests don't deserve it) I often fail.
Grace is freely bestowing good on those who don't deserve it. We've all been recipients, and it feels good to be gracious to others.
I'd say the way to deal with him from here on out is to heap burning coals on his head by killing him with kindness so to speak. You spilled your righteous anger on him, and now you can put it behind you. Treat him way better than he deserves, it will remind him of what a total ass he made of himself, which is way better revenge than reminding him of your rage.
Plus, then you can pat yourself on the back for rising above the situation. :)
I'll be honest, in my own quest to be gracious (I think that may be why you feel bad about it. You are the eminent hostess... seriously, I'm in awe of you. Being a good hostess means being gracious... even when your guests don't deserve it) I often fail.
Grace is freely bestowing good on those who don't deserve it. We've all been recipients, and it feels good to be gracious to others.
I'd say the way to deal with him from here on out is to heap burning coals on his head by killing him with kindness so to speak. You spilled your righteous anger on him, and now you can put it behind you. Treat him way better than he deserves, it will remind him of what a total ass he made of himself, which is way better revenge than reminding him of your rage.
Plus, then you can pat yourself on the back for rising above the situation. :)
wow.. you guys are great, seriously I only posted this to get it out of my system, for me, talking about what is upsetting me is 95% of alleviating the upset... go figure.
Ann, yes the others were all present. At first my dh and another argued in my defense until Mr. Supercilious made it clear which statement I'd made he was disputing.. and it was slip on my part... instead of beginning with, 'you can see more stars in the southern sky,' I said, 'There are more stars in the southern sky'.
It was like saying.. can I have a drink, and having a smart ass say.. I don't know, can you?
Anyhoo, it's over and done with. I'm over it. bad feelings have been put away.
Jenne, thanks, you are always the epitome of grace (unless vodka is involved)... that's probably exactly what I will do.
X
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Ann, yes the others were all present. At first my dh and another argued in my defense until Mr. Supercilious made it clear which statement I'd made he was disputing.. and it was slip on my part... instead of beginning with, 'you can see more stars in the southern sky,' I said, 'There are more stars in the southern sky'.
It was like saying.. can I have a drink, and having a smart ass say.. I don't know, can you?
Anyhoo, it's over and done with. I'm over it. bad feelings have been put away.
Jenne, thanks, you are always the epitome of grace (unless vodka is involved)... that's probably exactly what I will do.
X
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